A Toast,I mean Post, to those that come in two

I wish I had someone,
Who'd shower me with words I long to hear,
and melt my heart away each time.

I wish I had someone,
Who loves me and treats me like I am-
The most beautiful girl in the world.

I wish I had someone,
Who believes in me,
In all my dreams and hopes.
And will never laugh at me,
Wishing on that wishing star.

I wish I had someone,
Who'd share the same passion,
The same enthusiasm,
For the things I love,
For things I do,
For things I enjoy!

But sadly, no.
Woe is me.

He doesn't shower me with those sweet words I want to hear.
He doesn't make me feel beautiful.
Woe is me.
He doesn't understand me,
but laughs at me, at my "childish" dreams.
Woe is me.
Why did I choose him?
Isn't he the right one for me?

But a still small voice whispers to my heart:

My dear child,
You know very well what you want,
your ideals, your expectations,
and everything you think he should be.
But why are you looking at the other side of the mountain,
When all you really need is in your own backyard?

Look deeper and you'll see-

You do, you have someone,
Who showers you with words you NEED to hear,
not fleeting words of flattery.
You do, you have someone,
Who makes your heart grow in love not melt away.

You do, you have someone,
Who loves you more-
than the most beautiful girl in the world.

You do, you have someone,
Who cuddles your dreams,
and holds your hopes.
And laughs at you,
Telling you that the star you're wishing on is not a star.
It's a planet.
Then he kisses you and says :
"You don't need to wish on a star. God hears your heart's desire."

You do, you have someone,
Who takes more than a bite at your share of passion,
Smiles at your enthusiasm,
And says how you have coloured his life so.
And then He offers you to share his slice too,
Of the things he loves,
Of the things he does,
And of the things he enjoys!

~~~

To my friends,
Often times we feel like that.
And it makes us feel insecure, doubtful, and frustrated.
If he ain't treating me the way he should,
or it ain't the way I want it to go or be,
We question if it is worth holding on.

But often times, it is not the other person that is failing you.

The most valued advise my dad gave me before he gave me away is this:
"Put down your expectations. For if you have them, you will be disappointment.
Big time."

If you expect him to understand you, you will be disappointed.
If you expect him to be there for you, you will be disappointed.
If you expect him to be like you, you will be disappointed.
If you expect him to reciprocate all the love and sacrifices you have given him,
you WILL be disappointed.

Throw away your expectations,
Accept that he can't understand you,
and you will be surprised.

Accept that he is just a man not a walking punching bag,
and you will be surprised.

Accept that he is not you,
and you will be surprised.

Accept that love is UNCONDITIONAL,
and you will be surprised.

(I am not going to spoil your surprise, else it won't be a surprise.)

Hey, but you think your expectations are valid.
Even if there are...
THROW EM AWAY!
And you will be surprised how unexpected surprises will come your way.

I've learnt them and they are true.
And now I'm telling you.
Take it, and you'll be thankful,
cause this is one of the most valuable advise you will take with you,
on your journey of two.

So when you choose the one you love,
choose em with all your heart,
and love the one you choose,
with all your arrows to the ground.

Where babies come from

This is so cute.
How a kid thinks of where babies come from.

IroniCITY

So, we had to drive 2 separate cars to Klang for the weekend.
I drove his City, following behind as he drove his bro's Proton.
And boy was it an ironiCITY drive.

Upon reaching our destination I ask him,
"Why you drive so slow one...".

"What do you mean I was driving slow..you were the slow one...I was waiting for you!"

"Really? But I was waiting for you!"

WE laughed when we found out what was going on throughout the whole journey.

The following conversations were monologues in the separate cars at the same span of time.

City Driver:
Hmmm is it just me or is he driving like extra slow today?

Proton Driver: Walau, why she follow so slow behind one.

City:
Come on come on....Faster la.

Proton: Is she scared or what driving my car? Not use to it? Cannot be waht, my car so powerful. Why is she driving so slow?

City:
Why are you driving on the slowest lane...whyyyyyy......Don't you know that I drive pretty fast for a girl...
Maybe he wants to turn left soon.
Patience, patience.

Proton: God, she is like driving 4 cars apart! Maybe she really is scared. Patience, Patience...I'll wait for her to drive closer.

City:
This ride is going to take like 2 hours!
I can go to Ipoh already!!!!!!
HAHA, look he is sticking out his hand to pull up the antennae...
Nevermind, nevermind...just follow patiently...
Turn the music louder.

Proton: This is going to be one long ride. Better on the radio ( Sticks out hand and pulls up antennae).

City:
God, I so feel like overtaking you now.
Maybe I should go to the fast lane and honk you so you will go to the fast lane.
arrgghhhhh...Nevermind, just follow...soon soon.

Proton: I so need to pee! I better turn off the aircon. Reaching soon reaching soon.

City:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...Why you stay behind the lorry!
There are no cars in the fast lane...
Go la.. go la..I beg of you.
I cannot tahan already...I need to drive fasterrrrrrr.

Proton: Man, even when not on the highway she drives at such a safe distance. Why isn't she catching up.

So funny I tell you! When we told each other what was on our minds we were blown to bits with ironical-laughter.

Turns out that I, well, I guess out of habit, drove at a constant safe distance to prevent any emergency braking and thought that was normal; and he hasn't come across anyone who drives at that distance while following.

So there was a mis-communication and we were both waiting for each other.

Actually, we had a similar incident while we were driving 2 separate cars to the car workshop a few days back. I was meaning to tell him to drive faster the next time, especially on our next trip...but...it slipped my mind.

He on the other hand wanted to tell me to drive faster but hesitated cause he thought it might hurt my feelings as people have the right to drive as slow as they want, so he refrained from telling me.

HENCE...the AMAZING trip to Klang.

LOL.

At least we didn't kill each other,
we weren't sensitive about it and didn't' take it personally,
but talked about it jokingly without any accusations.
Irritated at first no doubt, but filled with laughter thereafter.

The irony.

Another memory to add to our collection of adventures.



The moral of the story-

Every adventure is a new discovery of each other.
Let it not tear each other down,
Let it not be a "sensitive" taboo,
but instead,
Let it be a time of mutual respectful communication,
Let it be a time of laughter of the colours that life brings,
Let it be one of new insight, new understanding,
and above all,
a newfound reason to love each other.

Docked & Anchored

Voyage of the Bridey is finally over! Phew, that was a long journey, sailing.

Now, my ship has finally docked and i can throw down the anchor at island ( ok, cliche, but...) "Paradise".

The docking at the "jetty" ( Walking down the Aisle ) was an amazing one.

When I look at the people that matter the most to me, and when I look at the huge megagodzilla cross in front of me... it brought me to tears ( PHEW if you didn't see the bride's watering eyes on that day ). I could only bare to look at those 2 things for a few seconds each time, else my tears would have really DESTROYED my makeup. HAHA.



I guess the best part of the wedding was that overwhelming intense feeling of utter thankfulness and joy in the heart that THIS IS THE DAY INDEED.

Like when you've been sailing for a long time and you finally see land.
Or like you've been walking in the desert and you finally see water.
I wonder if that's how Noah felt.

THANK YOU ALL for helping make the wedding happen!

Back to "Paradise"...



Hey, who said paradise is all blissful. Take a look at the beautiful paradise of Pandora in Avatar. Beauty comes with a price. Dangerous creatures lurk in the shadows, danger awaits in those places you least expect, in places where beauty is at its best.

YES, paradise comes hand in hand with danger.

What one needs to do it learn how to live amidst beauty and danger.

If danger throws itself at you...learn to conquer and overcome it together;
( Think fighting the creatures of Pandora...whatever their names are )



If you throw yourself at danger...learn to pick yourself up and master over it, encouraging each other along the way;
( Think learning to ride the Medusa Aerocoelenterates flying dragon thingy in Avatar with the lady Avatar)



And if you need to save the world that the both of you have created together, take that risk and do what you have to do!
( Think conquering the Great Leonopteryx the biggest most powerful flying dragon thingy in Avatar)



Then, you can truly look at the horizon and soak in all its beauty.

Indeed, challenging but worth it!


It is just the beginning, but each day has been full of thankfulness.

Actually, to tell you the truth, it still feels like we are dating, except we come home to each other each day and take care of each other. :)


> shadows of vineyard & us in Margaret River, Western Australia

Voyage of the bridey: Round and White

THE drama.

I wanted to buy...of course la not THE expensive expensive one la. Affordable one. But of course get it at least a month or 2 before the wedding. Last minute shopping a no no. That's like planning your own suicide.

But noooooo, with constant weeks and weeks of nagging to "not buy" I relented.

I had to make do with my mother's old ones, in which she said I could use.

But of course with my psycho-ing and consoling myself that Okla, it's not that bad. I was prepared to made do with whatever I have.

Besides, it was kind of getting too late to search for another one.

So, throw all the secret hopes out of the window- and come back to the reality in front of my eyes.

So, it's settled. I'll use what I have.
Next, I had to think really hard how to get these fixed up/ modified slightly.
I was prepared to do it myself if I have to ( which in the circumstances it certain looked like I had to D-I-Y again.).

Literally, I thought about it through the nights, and in my sleep...how to fix/ modify it.
And pop! I woke up thinking that I could actually pull it off with the idea I had in mind.

So, please imagine for a moment that you are in my shoes- all excited and busting with enthusiasm to try the idea after nights of considering all other possibilities.
I better do it soon, like ASAP, cause it's really only a 3 weeks to the day.

THEN!

One morning, she decided to change her mind. " Don't use mine la. Go buy your own."

It really did feel like a somebody just smashed your newly made one and only masterpiece to the ground.

I was so shocked at the sudden change, I cried. All hope smashed in a matter of seconds. Remember I already threw all the secret hopes out of the window.

"What am I going to do now?"

You tell me 2 weeks before the wedding? Very good, very good. Give me heart attack laaaa...When I want to buy I get scolded. Not buy and be guai...also kena balik. Now want me to buy. Good... Man, confusing me, confusing meeee.

My lovely bridesmaids called me to say it's ok ( THANK YOU DIV AND GRACE). Oh man, I don't cry over these things...so embarrassing but I couldn't do anything for the next 10 mins but cry HAHA.

After the shock I was ok la. After so many incidents of God's faithfulness on my Voyage of the bridey, I guess I wasn't quite as worried as I use to be. Now, I could actually tell myself ( after the 10 mins of wetting the pillow la) that He will provide cause He always has, it is just the matter of "when" and "how".

Better what, now I can get my own. Hehe. Now, where do I find a "round and white" choker with a few layers that doesn't cost a bomb in this hour of the wedding?

I guess she felt quite bad cause the same day she came back telling me that she asked a few shops and they could actually make it, customize it.

Lo and behold, a friend from Sandakan called that night ( or the night after). The last time we went to visit her, we bought "round and white" bracelets at a "shopper's paradise price"...a.k.a really cheap la. Half the price or even better if compared here.

Yea so she called and we asked her just in case...if she could check it out for us.
She did...and they could actually make it!
Last I heard, making it there is half the price of making it here.
But now she wants to give it to me as a gift so she refused to tell me how much la...evilllllll!!!!!!

Good timing, ONCE AGAIN, God's timing. She did call me in the nick of time. And I will be getting it in the nick of time as well ( like 1 day before the wedding) HAHA.

Cheh wah, a gift alllll the way from "OVER-the-SEA" k. HAHA.

THANK YOU GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...

I told her..."man, you really are a saviour la."

Sometimes I wonder why He always does it this way. Break you till you are about to give up, then reward you with something so much more. But thinking about it, it is wonderful cause if He doesn't "break" you, you won't be able to see and appreciate the beauty and things that He faithfully provides. You would be so caught up with getting what you want and what you think you want, and you would be so stubborn in getting and doing what you want, and you would be really, an ungrateful piggy.

Indeed over and over again, He is faithful. Even in our unfaithfulness.



Morning by morning I wake up to find
the power and comfort of God's hand in mine.
Season by season I watch him amazed, in
awe of the mystery of his perfect ways
All I have need of his hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me

I can't remember a trial or a pain he did
not recycle to bring me gain. I can't
remember one single regret in serving
God only and trusting His hand
All I have need of his hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me

This is my anthem, this is my song, the
theme of the stories I've heard for so long.
God has been faithful, he will be again.
His loving compassion, it knows no end.
All I have need of his hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me

Voyage of the bridey: Life's like that, live with it.

So it dawned upon me while I was half asleep on my bed.
Nonetheless, it was a revelation.

I, honestly, was going to a rough patch in my emotional state.
And it doesn't help when girls have like 4 demanding hormones wanting to be queen.
Not fair that guys only have one to (NOT) worry about.

Ok, so I've been complainey for the past few days.
My expectations played an important villain in this episode.

I must say, I felt very disappointed.
and my body went into I'm-so-poor-thing mode.
But is seemed like the more I I'm-so-poor-thing, and the more I push my expectations, the feeling gets worse la.
The words I get thrown back at me is "Endure la", "Cope with it", or even worse- no response at all. HEH.

But alas! I realize that it is all but futile to expect, demand and cry over spilled milk!
It is inversely proportionate to feeling contended and fulfilling one's needs!
But it is so funny how girls always tend to do that to get attention- complain like it's everyone Else's fault but your own.



But complaining will only push people away more and more...and you'll end up feeling worse than before. Even if someone does "kesian" you...it only encourages you to complain more and more and it might get out of control cause you feel so happy that someone agrees with you.

But actually, the core issue is still not solved.
People will think you are an grumpy old lady with nothing better to do but complain all the time.
But far from it, it is the emotional reaction of what's hurting deep within the soul!



Instead,
I quote my darling "Life's like that, live with it!".
If one has expectations of how it should be like, how your life should be like, or how people should be like, then one is in for a big big disappointment.

Life is not ideal. At least not in OUR ideal.
Put down those expectations, put away those ideals and
Take life as it is! In all its imperfectness and un-ideal-ness.

It is a struggle and it does not happen overnight. But it is important indeed to come to the realization, to move pass the emo-ness that we feel, that the problem lies not with the others around us, but from ourselves.

If I stop at the emo-ness and never move on, I think I will be become a very depressed person, wallowing in what I SHOULD have and I think I OUGHT to have.

Only after coming to that realization, only then was I able to lay it all down before Him completely and to know that the world and all that is in it will fail us, but He will not.

And in that letting go, (and letting God) it is only than one can find contentment and fulfillment and peace.
The more you try to meet your needs, the less they will be met;
but the less you try to meet your needs ( a.k.a let go), the more they will be met!

Our expectations are man-made.
But He exceeds out expectations beyond what we can see and gives us so much more.
If only we were to see it from His perspective.

Oh of course one expects to be soothed and who doesn't want to be pampered and spoiled and to get what one wants.
And the people at the other end has to endure endless complains and still smile and try to be sane.
Of course there are times for encouragements;
But there also times when one does need a positive knock in the head.
Families, loved ones, the people around may not be ideal, may not be what we expect them to be, everyone has their own struggles.
But ever more, it allows us to face adversity, challenges and trials with so much more bravery, patience, and reliance on God.

Like in the movie,Evan Almighty, WATCH THIS:



When one prays for patience, does God give you patience or the opportunity to be patient?
If one prays for courage, does God give one courage or the opportunity to be courageous?
If some one prayed for the family to be closer, you think god zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings? Or does he give them opportunities to love each other?

God provides what you need, not what you to think you WANT to sooth your hurting soul.
And in times like these, one discovers the grace and goodness of God over and over again, just when we are about to give up.

:) btw, I'm not talking about my darling.

Importing dreams

Hey people, I'll be importing my blog posting of my dreams here and deleting the other account (tissuedreams) for convenience sake.

So if you want to read the older dreams that I've previously posted, do check out ASLEEP at the "labels" section on the right or scroll down to whichever you haven't read la.

AWAKE is for normal posts. Yea, my dreams might sound a bit abnormal. LOL.

Ya, just to let you know, I have tons of crazy dreams. And the best part is I remember them. I will slowly post them here...and I am slowly compiling them into a book for keepsake.

:)

3rd Golden Rule: Part 2- When differences collide- Resolving THE conflict

Right.

Time for one of the most challenging part of a relationship-
when differences collide HEAD-ON!

As most know, it is not easy to resolve conflicts that come along the way.
and most of the time couples end up starting a World War 3.
The aftermath of the war is usually not pretty and its damage can never fully be recovered.



GULP.

So how should one go about this bertension situation?

WHEN IN CONFLICT:


1.FOCUS ON THE ISSUE,not attack each other!

NEGOTIATE differences.
the focus should be "us-centered".
it should be finding out what is the BEST solution for US both-
Both needs to ADJUST- not one sided.

NOT
Attack ( ME-centered) and react defensively.
Common isn't it to go :" It's your fault. You were the one that..."




NOT
Surrender ( YOU-centered) and "give in"and grudgingly cooperate.
The giving in type will go :" OK la whatever la..."



It does not lead to a dynamic relationship.
One day either one will "I HAVE ENOUGH OF GIVING IN" and drop the relationship like a hot potato.

NOT
Bargain ( Conditional )
and making it seem "equal".



"If you don't do it, I won't do it; but if you do, I can do it too. Fair, fair. You don't pick up your clothes, then I won't wash it for you."
No doubt this will seem to work perfectly fine BUT it really isn't healthy.
It becomes like one must "earn" the other's love.
Not good, not good.



2. JOINT not point!



See the disagreement as a JOINT PROBLEM
that needs to be worked out together
with a common solution.

NOT
oh, that's the other's problem, he should solve it himself.
Instead of fighting against each other,
or pointing fingers and demanding for the other to change,
BE ON THE SAME SIDE!






VERY VERY IMPORTANT!
Even though you think it is not your problem
there is no harm helping and supporting and sharing the load of the other person!

Listen to each other's perspective.
You'll be surprise on how different the other thinks.

Always see the way FORWARD
that is NEITHER your way or my way
BUT a NEW way!





Case-in-point for 1. & 2.:





WE use to have timing issues when going to church or going out.
He will go :" I'm coming at 3pm."
So ya I will go down to wait for him at the gate at 3pm.
Mana tau, his 3pm is 3.45pm.
Happened, once, twice, trice etc etc etc.
I felt pretty tired and pissed that he always made me wait so long.
But yet I tried to zip and don't' say anything to prevent an argument.
I could have easily confronted him and ask him to fix his own timing problem.
BUT
I thought maybe I could solve it for him myself.
So, instead of taking his word for it...
I wait for half an hour before going down.
Mana tau...he earlier than me. HAHA.
But you know? He actually told me :" Why you so slow one...I wait very long leh."
I was pretty pissed I tell you.
I can wait la... but you cannot waittt laaaa..like that laaaaa...
BUT
instead of bursting out in anger and bringing out the a zillion incidents that he made me wait,
I zipped and decided to cool down before my stupid mouth takes over.
Later I told him nicely how long a usually wait for him and how I thought I could adjust my time to his but it didn't work.
Then I suggested that we find a solution that works for the both of us.
The conclusion, he will message me when he passes by the mosque ( which is 2 minutes away from my house).
Then I will know that I should make a move and go down.
Of course it took quite a lot of adjusting initially...
Oppss, still too early...or Oppss still too late.
But we manages to narrow down our waiting time to about 5 minute max.
Even now, there are bumps in the "I'm coming" and "I'm waiting"
but it doesn't really bother us anymore
cause we know we are constantly working on it together.
Not your problem.
Not my problem.
But a joint problem.



3. PEACE is not silence.






Building intimacy and peace in a relationship
does not happen by " NOT arguing or keeping quiet".




It might seem peaceful on the surface...
but inside resentment will grow and accumulate...
and it will become a volcano waiting to EXPLODE!
The aftermath will be even worse than keeping the peace.




Intimacy and peace happens when there is a dynamic relationship.
Expressing and Solving the problem TOGETHER.

But people have different personalities, some like to keep it all inside while others like to burst it all out!

So,
Extroverts- you need to control your expression of your feelings and emotions and learn to listen more.
If you say too much, you might end up hurting the person though it is not your intention.

Introvert- you need to learn to express yourself and be open about your feelings.
If you don't, how the heck is the other person suppose to know?






Either how, both must be considerate of the other and communicate.
Keeping quite does not make the problem go away.
It will only get worst.
And the problem can get bigger and bigger.
Then it will be even worst/ more difficult to deal with.

Case-in-point:



I remember I was playing guitar for church for the first time for worship.
Normally I play the piano.
So playing guitar for church is something pretty new for me.
What more, the chords all canggih-canggih one la.
So I was even more scared and felt incompetent.
I told him my woes before service started but you know what he said?
"Ahya, don't worry la. You play or don't play..cannot hear one..no difference."
*ping* Heart pain.
So agonizing I tell you...
I felt like crying! Was just holding back my tears.
And while playing for service, my mind was not concentrating on what I'm suppose to play,
but the words " you play or don't play no difference" kept ringing in my head!
Even after service I wanted to tell him but I didn't really know how to.
I thought to myself, maybe the feeling will go away la..then I won't have to say anything.
But it didn't.
It only got worse and worse.
The word taunting and haunting me over and over again.
Finally, I plucked up the courage and said jokingly
:" Dearrrrrrrr, When I was playing the guitar, all that was in my head was " you play or don't play no difference. "YOU- not encouraging" ( spit tongue and said it in a teasing way cause we always say it to each other- a private joke). "
He was shocked and then he laughed cause he really didn't meant it that way.
He went:" Really ah? Hehe. Oppss. Sorry dear, sorry. I didn't' mean it that way. Your playing is and has always been good. But I wasn't talking about you. I was meaning that they usually put the guitars so soft that it is not audible when the congregation sings. So if you are afraid of making mistakes, don't' worry, cause the congregation won't know."
Me:" Oh. It's ok dear.That's good to know but I am sensitive HEHE, next time
"please be more encouraging "(private joke again)."
And both of us laughed at how we have misunderstood each other so.
I felt much better voicing it out and clearing the situation.
It helps.
Imagine if I kept in inside. It won't have haunted me forever and ever!
And what more! Haunted by a misunderstood statement!



4. RIGHT TIMING is everything!





So, I just told you to "speak out" right..
BUT one must be wise in one's timing as well.

Avoiding using your Paktoh time to pinpoint problematic issues.
It will only lead to your Paktoh time becoming a dread
and it will not be enjoyable anymore.
One will tend to have this preconceived thought that the other is going to point out more mistakes.
So keep Paktoh time PURELY Paktoh time and just enjoy each other.

Find the best time to "discuss/ solve" the issue.
Cooling down first before coming together to solve it IS good.
It prevents more hurtful and futile disagreements.
Things said in anger are also usually not true or exaggerated!
But these words are what stays with us long after the argument is over.

Restraining to the proper time
IS part of the cost of loving the other!

Sooooo...

NEVER say things when you are angry!
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will EVER regret! -Anon


5. Watch your MOUTH!




Besides NEVER saying things when you are angry...

Avoid at all cost the usage of the words " YOU ALWAYS" and "YOU NEVER".
It only provokes the other person.
And the accusation is usually not true anyway.
It's just a burst of anger.
When you use these hurtful words, you are focusing on ATTACKING each other's character instead of focusing on the ISSUE.

INSTEAD
use "I" and "Me" to express your own feelings.
Instead of "You always go out so long. Never spent time with me!";
say" I feel hurt and a bit lonely cause I don't see you very often. and I miss you much!"
It is really more productive than accusing your partner.
And it demonstrates gentleness instead of judgmental-ness.
Your partner won't feel that he needs to purposely take time for you but he would AUTOMATICALLY want to spend time with you.
It makes it easier for your partner to genuinely mean he's sorry and do something about it.

Now that is also a "tip" I learnt from my dad.
My dad is awesome. He always tells me super good relationship secrets. HAHA.
One day he told me:
" You know how to win your partner over? It's very easy but most girls do the opposite. To get us guys to do what you what...all you have to do is speak and be loving and tender to us! We'll feel so loved that we'll do anything to make you happy. What's the point of demanding us of our attention and nagging us( such a natural instinct for us girls to do that)! It will only drive us further and further away. So you girls should be smarter."




Of course he meant we girls should do it genuinely because we love them la.
Not cunningly trying to get something out of the guy.
That's wrong.
And he says that it makes all the difference "how you do or say it".

But i think it is very good advice! ( P.s. it works wonders girls! )


NEVER drag up past incidents.
Like:" Last time you did it, now you are doing it again..."
It will not do you any good to keep count of all the times he has not said sorry.
Now is now. Last time is last time.
Even if the other person drags up past incidents...
YOU SHOULD NOT RETALIATE!
I tried it and it really doesn't do any good.
End up blaming each other for every single thing.

NEVER make cruel personal comments.
Like:" You, you are such a terrible lazy pig!"
Does more damage and harm that intended.

Mose people recall things said to them in anger, especially the horrible things.
It does things to our self-esteem!
And Most of the time those things are not true!
But it stays there! Haunting and taunting the hurt.


6. GUSTAN!



Be prepared to backdown!
Admit that you were wrong and say you're sorry instead of making excuses!
Excuses does not equals to saying sorry.

See the other's point of view instead of being stubbornly supporting your own views.
If you learn to put your self in the other's shoes,
The other will not feel the need to "defend" himself.

Winning an argument is counterproductive.
What's the point? To keep score? See who wins more?

Backing down TOGETHER will cost us our pride
BUT it will gain us a happier relationship.

Case-in-point:
He was pissed at me cause...
I had a meeting in church so he went back first.
Asked me to message him when it's over then he will come get me.
I thought the meeting was going to be over cause it was the last point already.
So I messaged him that it was the last point already so can come.
Mana tau, when he came...
The last point had proceeded to many other last points.
So I asked him to come down and sit with me first.
HEHEHEHE.
Ended up waiting for like 20 minutes.
And he was pissed.
OPPSSS.
I told him I really thought that they were going to be over.
But that's not what he wanted to hear from me.
He wanted to me just admit I was wrong and say " Sorry, I miscalculated the time."
That's all.
Not make excuses to justify me asking him to come early.
So, lesson well learnt.
SAY YOU'RE SORRY. NOT MAKE EXCUSES.
:P



Conclusion:



Unresolved conflict can silently darken and destroy the relationship.
And it might be too late if one realizes too late.

Differences and disagreements should not destroy a relationship,
but instead,
the resolution strengthens and develops the relationship further.

The very same issues that threaten to divide the relationship can draw us closer and move forward.

Coming to an agreement is not about suppressing one's personality,
BUT about discussing the different point of views,
understanding each other,
and finding new ways to combine each other's strengths.




Coming up next: Lost and Found-Forgiveness and Restoration!

3rd Golden Rule: Part 1 Appreciating our Differences

Ok this is going to be a fairly long post...
so please read in chunks if brain overloads easily.

A relationship = a 3 legged race.



Both partners need to adapt to each other
to be able to MOVE FORWARD.
If each wants to insist one's own way...
STUCK there loh..cannot win the race.

As i said earlier...
the way one handles disagreements, differences...
is the KEY to the success of the relationship.

First things first.

1. RECOGNIZE each other's differences.

Here's a mental exercise for you to do before we move on:
Mark your initials where your different preferences lie.

Example: ( N-nick; S-sila)

Money: Spend S ; N Save
Punctuality: Selamba N ; S On the dot


K? ready? GO!

Clothes: Casual/ Formal
Disagreements: Thrash it out / Keep the peace
Holidays: Seek adventure /Seek rest
Money: Spend /Save
People: Spend time with others /Spend time alone
Planning: Make plans,stick to them /Be spontaneous, go with the flow
Punctuality: Selamba-la /On the dot
Relaxation: Go out /Stay in
Sleeping: Go to bed early /Go to bed late
Sport: Enthusiast /Uninterested
Telephone: Talk at length / Make arrangements only
Tidiness: Not a dust! /Messy
TV: Keep it on /Throw it out
Other issues:

:)

These uniqueness are recipes for making conflicts,
But it also makes excitement and colour!



In the "Lovey Dovey" phase,
couples usually accommodate each other
and overlook these differences.

But after the "feeling" has past and "serious steady"starts...
TUM TUM TUM!

Couples get irritated at every little thing and,
hence, each tries to change the other.

IF unresolved or CANNOT TAHAN already...
the likely thing to do...
breakup.

But alas!
It is at this point where both should not give up!
It is only the beginning!




2.
Both must move from: ATTEMPTED ELIMINATION to DELIBERATE APPRECIATION
of diversity!



Differences can be complementary and MADE to work to an advantage.
Each has one's own valuable contribution and limits on its own.

I repeat!
MADE TO WORK!
not MAGICALLY WILL WORK!

Differences-
there is no right or wrong.
Just different.

Accept each other.
The next phrase that comes with that is usually:
"flaws and all"!

But ALAS!

No! See..that's the problem!
One should change that negative perspective to:
"Flairs and all"!


or something.


Concentrate on admiring each other, complementing and looking out for each others strengths;
NOT what irritates or is "defective".
Support and be gracious with each others weaknesses.

I remember reading this" Ask Aunty" section in Readers Digest ( July 2009).
Really interesting. It went like this:

" Dear Aunty, I met this great guy, but there's one problem: I am neat and organized. He leaves the kitchen in a mess. When he changes clothes, he drops them on the floor. We've talked about moving in together, but I don't want us to get on each others nerves. I've tried to broach the subject with him, but he's sensitive to criticism. I don't want to nag, but I also don't want to be his maid. Any suggestions?"



" Dear Neatnik, You're neat; he's a slob. This setup has made for many happy unions. I happen to know of slobs married to neatniks. Why do opposites attract? Emotional magnetism? Revenge of the gods? Who knows! One thing I've discovered over the years: Slobs and neatniks only get more so. So, ask yourself: Is this man WORTH reaching down and picking up for? If he is, stop thinking of yourself as a maid and look at it as a way of LOVING. If he isn't worth it to you... sweep him out and keep scouring the city for MR CLEAN."





Good advice.
But ya know, I would say "happy looking for MR CLEAN".
Even if she finds MR CLEAN, she'll have a lot more things to pick on.
MAYBE even on how she cant' stand that he is SO CLEAN.

And so I quote from a friend of mine:
"Sometimes, it's not the 'list of characteristics for MY future husband/wife' that matters the most. Most importantly is trusting the Lord to lead to the person who can truly love you for the person you are. :)".

And likewise. Trusting the Lord to lead you to the person you can truly love for who he is!


Our counselors suggested this very good idea:
They said write down a list of things that you like about your partner.
AND continue to add to the list as time goes by.
When you feel angry or irritated with your partner,
GO LOOK AT THE LIST!



It is a good way to remind ourselves to be thankful for each other,
and to appreciate each others differences.
It is also a daily affair, not a one-off thing.

I find it really helpful to thank God daily for him.
And to remember the wonderful way He has brought us together.
It helps to keep that fresh perspective going, and not let it get stale.


3.
Humour is what keeps everything in place!



Instead of getting irritated, disappointed and angry at your differences,
why not let laughter in!

It is good to maintain a sense of humour-
even if you don't agree or is not to your preferences.
This humour helps colour your life instead of adding conflict and unnecessary tension.
Enjoy each others differences,
TEASE kindly and gently,
keep laughter and humour alive.



This reminds me of a funny story:

He always laughs and teases me.
Like how I'm so blur and clumsy sometimes ( well, to him is like all the time la).
Like how he has such a kiddo face ( of course, he tries to act matu-red).
Like how we do puzzles so differently. (He, determined to finish ASAP; me do and doodle).

To the extend that he LOVES to reenact the scenes over and over again. LOL.

He especially likes to reenact the "can-i-ask-for-daughter's-hand-in-marriage" scene.

So, he was over at my place to ask for my hand in marriage.
I could feel the "tension" between father and bf.
My dad, PURPOSELY trying to make it hard for him asked:" So why you like my daughter?"
SUDDENLY, at that moment...a bee came and stung me.



I don't remember acting like a crazy woman screaming and waving my arms and giving that kesian face after that. ( but he always reenacts that. TERRIBLE.) :P
After that, no more "ice" cause father and bf was busy trying to take out the sting from my arm TOGETHER.
And he didn't have to answer that question.
Immediately got a "yes".
I like to call the bee..divine intervention. HAHA.
and I like to call myself...sacrifical lamb. HAHA.

Anyway, humour keeps us both alive and it helps us to see beyond our differences.
and to think of it as "life is more colourful with you in it!"

4.
Prepare for change.



We cannot change our own or our partner's personalities ( introvert, extrovert;logical, intuitive;structured, flexible).

BUT

We can change our own( not our partner's) HABITS/ BEHAVIOUR ( short tempered, inconsiderate, quick to speak without thinking) .

An important principle for a happy relationship:
"We can change ourselves; We cannot change each other. Only God can."

It is NO GOOD saying "that's just the way I am".

If we love someone,
expect ourselves to change.
Not expect and demand the other to change for you.
Once again...it requires MUTUAL effort.
If it's one sided- :( one has to suffer more loh.



But of course life is not so simple.
We have our pride and ego.
We make mistakes.
BUT
That's why it is so IMPORTANT that we constantly go to the Lord.
To ask Him to keep our hearts humble to change, our ears open to listen, as well as patience, grace and mercy for the other person.

PRIDE. PRIDE. PRIDE- is the fall of many relationships.
It's sad but true.
Something so small can avalanche into something really big- something that cannot be resolved.
( more of this in forgiveness & restoration chapter)

Remember, loving is no selfish affair.
It is about taking mutual effort to look out for each other.
Loving is costly.

But both must be willing to embrace the INCONVENIENCE of change.
Being in a relationship is not about maintaining your own life the same as before...
being in a relationship requires both to move forward in life together,
to find NEW and ENTICING horizons together.



And I end with a really touching story:

I stand by the bed where a young woman lies, her lips, after the operation, is twisted in palsy and clownish. She asks her young husband standing by her bed :" Will my mouth always be like this?" The answer- yes. She nods and is silent. But the young man smiles. " I like it," he says, " It's kind of cute." He bends down to kiss her crooked mouth, twisting his own lips to accommodate hers, to show her that the kiss still works.

So sweet kan.



I am a bit self-conscious sometimes cause my face can get a bit dotty.
SHY.
But he always says:" You look cute when you are dotty." Heh.
And I smile because I am reminded that,
loving someone is loving the person for who he/she is...just as they are, and it transcends beyond the surface, beyond time, beyond distances, beyond circumstances...
AND
"flairs and all". :)

Alas:
...a relationship won't work if you try to make someone fit into your way of thinking. Making it work is not about TOLERATING your partner's differences but TREASURING them.




Coming up :Part 2- When differences collide-Resolving THE conflict.

Sneak peak of more to come!:
Resolving conflict- focusing on the issue!
Centering our lives- What's in the middle?
Love in action- does actions really speak louder than words?
Forgiveness & Restoration- there is hope!