3rd Golden Rule: Part 1 Appreciating our Differences

Ok this is going to be a fairly long post...
so please read in chunks if brain overloads easily.

A relationship = a 3 legged race.



Both partners need to adapt to each other
to be able to MOVE FORWARD.
If each wants to insist one's own way...
STUCK there loh..cannot win the race.

As i said earlier...
the way one handles disagreements, differences...
is the KEY to the success of the relationship.

First things first.

1. RECOGNIZE each other's differences.

Here's a mental exercise for you to do before we move on:
Mark your initials where your different preferences lie.

Example: ( N-nick; S-sila)

Money: Spend S ; N Save
Punctuality: Selamba N ; S On the dot


K? ready? GO!

Clothes: Casual/ Formal
Disagreements: Thrash it out / Keep the peace
Holidays: Seek adventure /Seek rest
Money: Spend /Save
People: Spend time with others /Spend time alone
Planning: Make plans,stick to them /Be spontaneous, go with the flow
Punctuality: Selamba-la /On the dot
Relaxation: Go out /Stay in
Sleeping: Go to bed early /Go to bed late
Sport: Enthusiast /Uninterested
Telephone: Talk at length / Make arrangements only
Tidiness: Not a dust! /Messy
TV: Keep it on /Throw it out
Other issues:

:)

These uniqueness are recipes for making conflicts,
But it also makes excitement and colour!



In the "Lovey Dovey" phase,
couples usually accommodate each other
and overlook these differences.

But after the "feeling" has past and "serious steady"starts...
TUM TUM TUM!

Couples get irritated at every little thing and,
hence, each tries to change the other.

IF unresolved or CANNOT TAHAN already...
the likely thing to do...
breakup.

But alas!
It is at this point where both should not give up!
It is only the beginning!




2.
Both must move from: ATTEMPTED ELIMINATION to DELIBERATE APPRECIATION
of diversity!



Differences can be complementary and MADE to work to an advantage.
Each has one's own valuable contribution and limits on its own.

I repeat!
MADE TO WORK!
not MAGICALLY WILL WORK!

Differences-
there is no right or wrong.
Just different.

Accept each other.
The next phrase that comes with that is usually:
"flaws and all"!

But ALAS!

No! See..that's the problem!
One should change that negative perspective to:
"Flairs and all"!


or something.


Concentrate on admiring each other, complementing and looking out for each others strengths;
NOT what irritates or is "defective".
Support and be gracious with each others weaknesses.

I remember reading this" Ask Aunty" section in Readers Digest ( July 2009).
Really interesting. It went like this:

" Dear Aunty, I met this great guy, but there's one problem: I am neat and organized. He leaves the kitchen in a mess. When he changes clothes, he drops them on the floor. We've talked about moving in together, but I don't want us to get on each others nerves. I've tried to broach the subject with him, but he's sensitive to criticism. I don't want to nag, but I also don't want to be his maid. Any suggestions?"



" Dear Neatnik, You're neat; he's a slob. This setup has made for many happy unions. I happen to know of slobs married to neatniks. Why do opposites attract? Emotional magnetism? Revenge of the gods? Who knows! One thing I've discovered over the years: Slobs and neatniks only get more so. So, ask yourself: Is this man WORTH reaching down and picking up for? If he is, stop thinking of yourself as a maid and look at it as a way of LOVING. If he isn't worth it to you... sweep him out and keep scouring the city for MR CLEAN."





Good advice.
But ya know, I would say "happy looking for MR CLEAN".
Even if she finds MR CLEAN, she'll have a lot more things to pick on.
MAYBE even on how she cant' stand that he is SO CLEAN.

And so I quote from a friend of mine:
"Sometimes, it's not the 'list of characteristics for MY future husband/wife' that matters the most. Most importantly is trusting the Lord to lead to the person who can truly love you for the person you are. :)".

And likewise. Trusting the Lord to lead you to the person you can truly love for who he is!


Our counselors suggested this very good idea:
They said write down a list of things that you like about your partner.
AND continue to add to the list as time goes by.
When you feel angry or irritated with your partner,
GO LOOK AT THE LIST!



It is a good way to remind ourselves to be thankful for each other,
and to appreciate each others differences.
It is also a daily affair, not a one-off thing.

I find it really helpful to thank God daily for him.
And to remember the wonderful way He has brought us together.
It helps to keep that fresh perspective going, and not let it get stale.


3.
Humour is what keeps everything in place!



Instead of getting irritated, disappointed and angry at your differences,
why not let laughter in!

It is good to maintain a sense of humour-
even if you don't agree or is not to your preferences.
This humour helps colour your life instead of adding conflict and unnecessary tension.
Enjoy each others differences,
TEASE kindly and gently,
keep laughter and humour alive.



This reminds me of a funny story:

He always laughs and teases me.
Like how I'm so blur and clumsy sometimes ( well, to him is like all the time la).
Like how he has such a kiddo face ( of course, he tries to act matu-red).
Like how we do puzzles so differently. (He, determined to finish ASAP; me do and doodle).

To the extend that he LOVES to reenact the scenes over and over again. LOL.

He especially likes to reenact the "can-i-ask-for-daughter's-hand-in-marriage" scene.

So, he was over at my place to ask for my hand in marriage.
I could feel the "tension" between father and bf.
My dad, PURPOSELY trying to make it hard for him asked:" So why you like my daughter?"
SUDDENLY, at that moment...a bee came and stung me.



I don't remember acting like a crazy woman screaming and waving my arms and giving that kesian face after that. ( but he always reenacts that. TERRIBLE.) :P
After that, no more "ice" cause father and bf was busy trying to take out the sting from my arm TOGETHER.
And he didn't have to answer that question.
Immediately got a "yes".
I like to call the bee..divine intervention. HAHA.
and I like to call myself...sacrifical lamb. HAHA.

Anyway, humour keeps us both alive and it helps us to see beyond our differences.
and to think of it as "life is more colourful with you in it!"

4.
Prepare for change.



We cannot change our own or our partner's personalities ( introvert, extrovert;logical, intuitive;structured, flexible).

BUT

We can change our own( not our partner's) HABITS/ BEHAVIOUR ( short tempered, inconsiderate, quick to speak without thinking) .

An important principle for a happy relationship:
"We can change ourselves; We cannot change each other. Only God can."

It is NO GOOD saying "that's just the way I am".

If we love someone,
expect ourselves to change.
Not expect and demand the other to change for you.
Once again...it requires MUTUAL effort.
If it's one sided- :( one has to suffer more loh.



But of course life is not so simple.
We have our pride and ego.
We make mistakes.
BUT
That's why it is so IMPORTANT that we constantly go to the Lord.
To ask Him to keep our hearts humble to change, our ears open to listen, as well as patience, grace and mercy for the other person.

PRIDE. PRIDE. PRIDE- is the fall of many relationships.
It's sad but true.
Something so small can avalanche into something really big- something that cannot be resolved.
( more of this in forgiveness & restoration chapter)

Remember, loving is no selfish affair.
It is about taking mutual effort to look out for each other.
Loving is costly.

But both must be willing to embrace the INCONVENIENCE of change.
Being in a relationship is not about maintaining your own life the same as before...
being in a relationship requires both to move forward in life together,
to find NEW and ENTICING horizons together.



And I end with a really touching story:

I stand by the bed where a young woman lies, her lips, after the operation, is twisted in palsy and clownish. She asks her young husband standing by her bed :" Will my mouth always be like this?" The answer- yes. She nods and is silent. But the young man smiles. " I like it," he says, " It's kind of cute." He bends down to kiss her crooked mouth, twisting his own lips to accommodate hers, to show her that the kiss still works.

So sweet kan.



I am a bit self-conscious sometimes cause my face can get a bit dotty.
SHY.
But he always says:" You look cute when you are dotty." Heh.
And I smile because I am reminded that,
loving someone is loving the person for who he/she is...just as they are, and it transcends beyond the surface, beyond time, beyond distances, beyond circumstances...
AND
"flairs and all". :)

Alas:
...a relationship won't work if you try to make someone fit into your way of thinking. Making it work is not about TOLERATING your partner's differences but TREASURING them.




Coming up :Part 2- When differences collide-Resolving THE conflict.

Sneak peak of more to come!:
Resolving conflict- focusing on the issue!
Centering our lives- What's in the middle?
Love in action- does actions really speak louder than words?
Forgiveness & Restoration- there is hope!