3rd Golden Rule: Part 2- When differences collide- Resolving THE conflict

Right.

Time for one of the most challenging part of a relationship-
when differences collide HEAD-ON!

As most know, it is not easy to resolve conflicts that come along the way.
and most of the time couples end up starting a World War 3.
The aftermath of the war is usually not pretty and its damage can never fully be recovered.



GULP.

So how should one go about this bertension situation?

WHEN IN CONFLICT:


1.FOCUS ON THE ISSUE,not attack each other!

NEGOTIATE differences.
the focus should be "us-centered".
it should be finding out what is the BEST solution for US both-
Both needs to ADJUST- not one sided.

NOT
Attack ( ME-centered) and react defensively.
Common isn't it to go :" It's your fault. You were the one that..."




NOT
Surrender ( YOU-centered) and "give in"and grudgingly cooperate.
The giving in type will go :" OK la whatever la..."



It does not lead to a dynamic relationship.
One day either one will "I HAVE ENOUGH OF GIVING IN" and drop the relationship like a hot potato.

NOT
Bargain ( Conditional )
and making it seem "equal".



"If you don't do it, I won't do it; but if you do, I can do it too. Fair, fair. You don't pick up your clothes, then I won't wash it for you."
No doubt this will seem to work perfectly fine BUT it really isn't healthy.
It becomes like one must "earn" the other's love.
Not good, not good.



2. JOINT not point!



See the disagreement as a JOINT PROBLEM
that needs to be worked out together
with a common solution.

NOT
oh, that's the other's problem, he should solve it himself.
Instead of fighting against each other,
or pointing fingers and demanding for the other to change,
BE ON THE SAME SIDE!






VERY VERY IMPORTANT!
Even though you think it is not your problem
there is no harm helping and supporting and sharing the load of the other person!

Listen to each other's perspective.
You'll be surprise on how different the other thinks.

Always see the way FORWARD
that is NEITHER your way or my way
BUT a NEW way!





Case-in-point for 1. & 2.:





WE use to have timing issues when going to church or going out.
He will go :" I'm coming at 3pm."
So ya I will go down to wait for him at the gate at 3pm.
Mana tau, his 3pm is 3.45pm.
Happened, once, twice, trice etc etc etc.
I felt pretty tired and pissed that he always made me wait so long.
But yet I tried to zip and don't' say anything to prevent an argument.
I could have easily confronted him and ask him to fix his own timing problem.
BUT
I thought maybe I could solve it for him myself.
So, instead of taking his word for it...
I wait for half an hour before going down.
Mana tau...he earlier than me. HAHA.
But you know? He actually told me :" Why you so slow one...I wait very long leh."
I was pretty pissed I tell you.
I can wait la... but you cannot waittt laaaa..like that laaaaa...
BUT
instead of bursting out in anger and bringing out the a zillion incidents that he made me wait,
I zipped and decided to cool down before my stupid mouth takes over.
Later I told him nicely how long a usually wait for him and how I thought I could adjust my time to his but it didn't work.
Then I suggested that we find a solution that works for the both of us.
The conclusion, he will message me when he passes by the mosque ( which is 2 minutes away from my house).
Then I will know that I should make a move and go down.
Of course it took quite a lot of adjusting initially...
Oppss, still too early...or Oppss still too late.
But we manages to narrow down our waiting time to about 5 minute max.
Even now, there are bumps in the "I'm coming" and "I'm waiting"
but it doesn't really bother us anymore
cause we know we are constantly working on it together.
Not your problem.
Not my problem.
But a joint problem.



3. PEACE is not silence.






Building intimacy and peace in a relationship
does not happen by " NOT arguing or keeping quiet".




It might seem peaceful on the surface...
but inside resentment will grow and accumulate...
and it will become a volcano waiting to EXPLODE!
The aftermath will be even worse than keeping the peace.




Intimacy and peace happens when there is a dynamic relationship.
Expressing and Solving the problem TOGETHER.

But people have different personalities, some like to keep it all inside while others like to burst it all out!

So,
Extroverts- you need to control your expression of your feelings and emotions and learn to listen more.
If you say too much, you might end up hurting the person though it is not your intention.

Introvert- you need to learn to express yourself and be open about your feelings.
If you don't, how the heck is the other person suppose to know?






Either how, both must be considerate of the other and communicate.
Keeping quite does not make the problem go away.
It will only get worst.
And the problem can get bigger and bigger.
Then it will be even worst/ more difficult to deal with.

Case-in-point:



I remember I was playing guitar for church for the first time for worship.
Normally I play the piano.
So playing guitar for church is something pretty new for me.
What more, the chords all canggih-canggih one la.
So I was even more scared and felt incompetent.
I told him my woes before service started but you know what he said?
"Ahya, don't worry la. You play or don't play..cannot hear one..no difference."
*ping* Heart pain.
So agonizing I tell you...
I felt like crying! Was just holding back my tears.
And while playing for service, my mind was not concentrating on what I'm suppose to play,
but the words " you play or don't play no difference" kept ringing in my head!
Even after service I wanted to tell him but I didn't really know how to.
I thought to myself, maybe the feeling will go away la..then I won't have to say anything.
But it didn't.
It only got worse and worse.
The word taunting and haunting me over and over again.
Finally, I plucked up the courage and said jokingly
:" Dearrrrrrrr, When I was playing the guitar, all that was in my head was " you play or don't play no difference. "YOU- not encouraging" ( spit tongue and said it in a teasing way cause we always say it to each other- a private joke). "
He was shocked and then he laughed cause he really didn't meant it that way.
He went:" Really ah? Hehe. Oppss. Sorry dear, sorry. I didn't' mean it that way. Your playing is and has always been good. But I wasn't talking about you. I was meaning that they usually put the guitars so soft that it is not audible when the congregation sings. So if you are afraid of making mistakes, don't' worry, cause the congregation won't know."
Me:" Oh. It's ok dear.That's good to know but I am sensitive HEHE, next time
"please be more encouraging "(private joke again)."
And both of us laughed at how we have misunderstood each other so.
I felt much better voicing it out and clearing the situation.
It helps.
Imagine if I kept in inside. It won't have haunted me forever and ever!
And what more! Haunted by a misunderstood statement!



4. RIGHT TIMING is everything!





So, I just told you to "speak out" right..
BUT one must be wise in one's timing as well.

Avoiding using your Paktoh time to pinpoint problematic issues.
It will only lead to your Paktoh time becoming a dread
and it will not be enjoyable anymore.
One will tend to have this preconceived thought that the other is going to point out more mistakes.
So keep Paktoh time PURELY Paktoh time and just enjoy each other.

Find the best time to "discuss/ solve" the issue.
Cooling down first before coming together to solve it IS good.
It prevents more hurtful and futile disagreements.
Things said in anger are also usually not true or exaggerated!
But these words are what stays with us long after the argument is over.

Restraining to the proper time
IS part of the cost of loving the other!

Sooooo...

NEVER say things when you are angry!
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will EVER regret! -Anon


5. Watch your MOUTH!




Besides NEVER saying things when you are angry...

Avoid at all cost the usage of the words " YOU ALWAYS" and "YOU NEVER".
It only provokes the other person.
And the accusation is usually not true anyway.
It's just a burst of anger.
When you use these hurtful words, you are focusing on ATTACKING each other's character instead of focusing on the ISSUE.

INSTEAD
use "I" and "Me" to express your own feelings.
Instead of "You always go out so long. Never spent time with me!";
say" I feel hurt and a bit lonely cause I don't see you very often. and I miss you much!"
It is really more productive than accusing your partner.
And it demonstrates gentleness instead of judgmental-ness.
Your partner won't feel that he needs to purposely take time for you but he would AUTOMATICALLY want to spend time with you.
It makes it easier for your partner to genuinely mean he's sorry and do something about it.

Now that is also a "tip" I learnt from my dad.
My dad is awesome. He always tells me super good relationship secrets. HAHA.
One day he told me:
" You know how to win your partner over? It's very easy but most girls do the opposite. To get us guys to do what you what...all you have to do is speak and be loving and tender to us! We'll feel so loved that we'll do anything to make you happy. What's the point of demanding us of our attention and nagging us( such a natural instinct for us girls to do that)! It will only drive us further and further away. So you girls should be smarter."




Of course he meant we girls should do it genuinely because we love them la.
Not cunningly trying to get something out of the guy.
That's wrong.
And he says that it makes all the difference "how you do or say it".

But i think it is very good advice! ( P.s. it works wonders girls! )


NEVER drag up past incidents.
Like:" Last time you did it, now you are doing it again..."
It will not do you any good to keep count of all the times he has not said sorry.
Now is now. Last time is last time.
Even if the other person drags up past incidents...
YOU SHOULD NOT RETALIATE!
I tried it and it really doesn't do any good.
End up blaming each other for every single thing.

NEVER make cruel personal comments.
Like:" You, you are such a terrible lazy pig!"
Does more damage and harm that intended.

Mose people recall things said to them in anger, especially the horrible things.
It does things to our self-esteem!
And Most of the time those things are not true!
But it stays there! Haunting and taunting the hurt.


6. GUSTAN!



Be prepared to backdown!
Admit that you were wrong and say you're sorry instead of making excuses!
Excuses does not equals to saying sorry.

See the other's point of view instead of being stubbornly supporting your own views.
If you learn to put your self in the other's shoes,
The other will not feel the need to "defend" himself.

Winning an argument is counterproductive.
What's the point? To keep score? See who wins more?

Backing down TOGETHER will cost us our pride
BUT it will gain us a happier relationship.

Case-in-point:
He was pissed at me cause...
I had a meeting in church so he went back first.
Asked me to message him when it's over then he will come get me.
I thought the meeting was going to be over cause it was the last point already.
So I messaged him that it was the last point already so can come.
Mana tau, when he came...
The last point had proceeded to many other last points.
So I asked him to come down and sit with me first.
HEHEHEHE.
Ended up waiting for like 20 minutes.
And he was pissed.
OPPSSS.
I told him I really thought that they were going to be over.
But that's not what he wanted to hear from me.
He wanted to me just admit I was wrong and say " Sorry, I miscalculated the time."
That's all.
Not make excuses to justify me asking him to come early.
So, lesson well learnt.
SAY YOU'RE SORRY. NOT MAKE EXCUSES.
:P



Conclusion:



Unresolved conflict can silently darken and destroy the relationship.
And it might be too late if one realizes too late.

Differences and disagreements should not destroy a relationship,
but instead,
the resolution strengthens and develops the relationship further.

The very same issues that threaten to divide the relationship can draw us closer and move forward.

Coming to an agreement is not about suppressing one's personality,
BUT about discussing the different point of views,
understanding each other,
and finding new ways to combine each other's strengths.




Coming up next: Lost and Found-Forgiveness and Restoration!