Road to Recovery

Hey there! Yea I know I haven't been writing for a while...I lot of things to write but its all in a mess LOL!

Anyway, what a traumatic start to the New Year.

It seems to me that I suffered from a mild depression and man, its been hard to recover from it.

Ever since I got sick right after Christmas, it was a down spiral. Never been so sick before that I couldn't do anything for a week! And in that week, it did do a lot of damage. Yea, I think I get depress when I fall sick.

Lost track of time, lost track of what's happening around, lost track of people.

Even when I recovered slightly and could go back to my normal schedule, I woke up everyday feeling so sad and gloomy, like as if I lost my purpose and direction in life. What happen to the simple things that made me happy... I didn't even need simple things to make me happy...I was more than happy to go about my day.

Day after day, so depressing, not only that, I was worrying my head off... and I couldn't get out of it, I tried not thinking about it, tried to be happy, tried to be "busy" with the usual things...but it seemed like the more I tried, the more it wasn't working!

I committed it to the Lord saying "Ok, after saying this prayer, everytime I start getting overwhelmed with how I feel, I will stop myself there and then and say "It's all in God's hands", don't worry."

But that was only one step. What was I going to do to "practically" get myself out of feeling so blue all the time?

I realized that the best way to stop thinking about how terrible one feels is to get people in your life! Share with them, pray with them and end by something fun together. Of course a part of me feels like I don't want to talk to people.

But that it precisely why one needs to do it!

And it is not same to just go out and talk to people you are not close with. You need people who understands you, that you know you can feel comfortable sharing with. It's really a crucial step to feel better! We need people, even if it just means being there and not talking! LOL.

WE need our girl friends! No doubt we can share with our other half...but it's different you know. Guys will just say " Ok, I hear you, now move on!".

Girls on the other hand, will FEEL WITH YOU and try to do something together with you to make you feel better.

Distracting oneself with "fun" is also the other extreme that does not really heal, it just postpones the feeling. It is good to talk to friends to not only share, but to have closure for yourself. Then only will having FUN be ending it on a positive note.

So as much as I felt antisocial and felt that I didn't want to stress my body or myself... I called my dear friend SQ to come over. And we had a good time just talking about it, praying for each other and just enjoying the simple company of a companion.

I also had another dear friend SL to come over to exercise together! We had a good time sgaring with each other, praying also, and then ending it with a endorphin filled "follow-the-dvd" dancing session.

I must say that these sessions did help me find closure with myself as well...and it was a start to recovery.

So, I do very much encourage all those who are feeling down, do get up and get people in your life. If you have friends you can share with, get them over and have a cozy coffee time together, heart to heart talk.

Friends and laughter ARE the best medicine. ( Yea, the stupid western medicine did not make me feel better.)

If you don't have a friend to share with...then THIS IS THE TIME and OPPORTUNITY to get close to a new friend, and you will never know, life will bring you a new friend!

There's me...so if you need someone to talk to, talk to me! :)

So go against that feeling of " I can handle it myself, I can get better by myself" and get people in your life! Seriously, its' the best 1st decision you will make for yourself and for positive recovery!

It doesn't stop there. What about those times that one is alone? Can't have friends over ALL the time right? After having closure, get a schedule going. I am a creature of habit, so I found myself wanting to get back to a schedule I can go about, of course with "more" fun things in it to make EACH DAY positive. Have a daily dose of whatever brings out the adrenaline or endorphines in you. Exercise? Go for a dance class? Play an instrument? Call someone?

It is much easier to do something that makes our body and mind naturally happy ( bring out those happy hormones) rather than doing something to "distract" the mind and hence try to "discard" the emotion. Unless one is a very very strong willed and mentally tough person, doesn't work la. Guess its because I am such a mentally weak person (LOL!), my body has to help my mind and not the other way around.

So if your emotions is getting the better of you, perhaps you can try this as well. Body over mind, and not mind over matter. I think once the body gets into a habit, one's mind will also follow suit and before one realizes, we don't have to "think" about making ourselves happy.

WE must remember that we are dealing with an emotion that doesn't make sense and might not be accurate. So we need to handle the emotion and not let the emotion handle us!

But it is hard work. And I must say, I am still struggling to get on my feet again. But a day at a time, and slowly I know one day I will wake up and say " Hey! It's naturally to feel glad again!".

I wait for that day when I can truly enjoy sleeping again. And wake up feeling rested and with a smile on my face. ( Ya, after lying in bed sick for a week...I think I am kind of claustrophobic and I don't enjoy sleeping in my bed anymore...so sad right. And didn't help when I didn't have an appetite to eat fro a week...man, lost weight. CIS!)

You know I asked my sister if I was wasting my life away worrying about tomorrows and being depressed todays. She said something very meaningful. She said you are only wasting your life if you stop living for today.

So take a day at a time. A moment at a time! YOU CAN DO IT!

* Warrior call* YEEEEAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!!!!

A Toast,I mean Post, to those that come in two

I wish I had someone,
Who'd shower me with words I long to hear,
and melt my heart away each time.

I wish I had someone,
Who loves me and treats me like I am-
The most beautiful girl in the world.

I wish I had someone,
Who believes in me,
In all my dreams and hopes.
And will never laugh at me,
Wishing on that wishing star.

I wish I had someone,
Who'd share the same passion,
The same enthusiasm,
For the things I love,
For things I do,
For things I enjoy!

But sadly, no.
Woe is me.

He doesn't shower me with those sweet words I want to hear.
He doesn't make me feel beautiful.
Woe is me.
He doesn't understand me,
but laughs at me, at my "childish" dreams.
Woe is me.
Why did I choose him?
Isn't he the right one for me?

But a still small voice whispers to my heart:

My dear child,
You know very well what you want,
your ideals, your expectations,
and everything you think he should be.
But why are you looking at the other side of the mountain,
When all you really need is in your own backyard?

Look deeper and you'll see-

You do, you have someone,
Who showers you with words you NEED to hear,
not fleeting words of flattery.
You do, you have someone,
Who makes your heart grow in love not melt away.

You do, you have someone,
Who loves you more-
than the most beautiful girl in the world.

You do, you have someone,
Who cuddles your dreams,
and holds your hopes.
And laughs at you,
Telling you that the star you're wishing on is not a star.
It's a planet.
Then he kisses you and says :
"You don't need to wish on a star. God hears your heart's desire."

You do, you have someone,
Who takes more than a bite at your share of passion,
Smiles at your enthusiasm,
And says how you have coloured his life so.
And then He offers you to share his slice too,
Of the things he loves,
Of the things he does,
And of the things he enjoys!

~~~

To my friends,
Often times we feel like that.
And it makes us feel insecure, doubtful, and frustrated.
If he ain't treating me the way he should,
or it ain't the way I want it to go or be,
We question if it is worth holding on.

But often times, it is not the other person that is failing you.

The most valued advise my dad gave me before he gave me away is this:
"Put down your expectations. For if you have them, you will be disappointment.
Big time."

If you expect him to understand you, you will be disappointed.
If you expect him to be there for you, you will be disappointed.
If you expect him to be like you, you will be disappointed.
If you expect him to reciprocate all the love and sacrifices you have given him,
you WILL be disappointed.

Throw away your expectations,
Accept that he can't understand you,
and you will be surprised.

Accept that he is just a man not a walking punching bag,
and you will be surprised.

Accept that he is not you,
and you will be surprised.

Accept that love is UNCONDITIONAL,
and you will be surprised.

(I am not going to spoil your surprise, else it won't be a surprise.)

Hey, but you think your expectations are valid.
Even if there are...
THROW EM AWAY!
And you will be surprised how unexpected surprises will come your way.

I've learnt them and they are true.
And now I'm telling you.
Take it, and you'll be thankful,
cause this is one of the most valuable advise you will take with you,
on your journey of two.

So when you choose the one you love,
choose em with all your heart,
and love the one you choose,
with all your arrows to the ground.

Where babies come from

This is so cute.
How a kid thinks of where babies come from.

IroniCITY

So, we had to drive 2 separate cars to Klang for the weekend.
I drove his City, following behind as he drove his bro's Proton.
And boy was it an ironiCITY drive.

Upon reaching our destination I ask him,
"Why you drive so slow one...".

"What do you mean I was driving slow..you were the slow one...I was waiting for you!"

"Really? But I was waiting for you!"

WE laughed when we found out what was going on throughout the whole journey.

The following conversations were monologues in the separate cars at the same span of time.

City Driver:
Hmmm is it just me or is he driving like extra slow today?

Proton Driver: Walau, why she follow so slow behind one.

City:
Come on come on....Faster la.

Proton: Is she scared or what driving my car? Not use to it? Cannot be waht, my car so powerful. Why is she driving so slow?

City:
Why are you driving on the slowest lane...whyyyyyy......Don't you know that I drive pretty fast for a girl...
Maybe he wants to turn left soon.
Patience, patience.

Proton: God, she is like driving 4 cars apart! Maybe she really is scared. Patience, Patience...I'll wait for her to drive closer.

City:
This ride is going to take like 2 hours!
I can go to Ipoh already!!!!!!
HAHA, look he is sticking out his hand to pull up the antennae...
Nevermind, nevermind...just follow patiently...
Turn the music louder.

Proton: This is going to be one long ride. Better on the radio ( Sticks out hand and pulls up antennae).

City:
God, I so feel like overtaking you now.
Maybe I should go to the fast lane and honk you so you will go to the fast lane.
arrgghhhhh...Nevermind, just follow...soon soon.

Proton: I so need to pee! I better turn off the aircon. Reaching soon reaching soon.

City:
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO...Why you stay behind the lorry!
There are no cars in the fast lane...
Go la.. go la..I beg of you.
I cannot tahan already...I need to drive fasterrrrrrr.

Proton: Man, even when not on the highway she drives at such a safe distance. Why isn't she catching up.

So funny I tell you! When we told each other what was on our minds we were blown to bits with ironical-laughter.

Turns out that I, well, I guess out of habit, drove at a constant safe distance to prevent any emergency braking and thought that was normal; and he hasn't come across anyone who drives at that distance while following.

So there was a mis-communication and we were both waiting for each other.

Actually, we had a similar incident while we were driving 2 separate cars to the car workshop a few days back. I was meaning to tell him to drive faster the next time, especially on our next trip...but...it slipped my mind.

He on the other hand wanted to tell me to drive faster but hesitated cause he thought it might hurt my feelings as people have the right to drive as slow as they want, so he refrained from telling me.

HENCE...the AMAZING trip to Klang.

LOL.

At least we didn't kill each other,
we weren't sensitive about it and didn't' take it personally,
but talked about it jokingly without any accusations.
Irritated at first no doubt, but filled with laughter thereafter.

The irony.

Another memory to add to our collection of adventures.



The moral of the story-

Every adventure is a new discovery of each other.
Let it not tear each other down,
Let it not be a "sensitive" taboo,
but instead,
Let it be a time of mutual respectful communication,
Let it be a time of laughter of the colours that life brings,
Let it be one of new insight, new understanding,
and above all,
a newfound reason to love each other.

Docked & Anchored

Voyage of the Bridey is finally over! Phew, that was a long journey, sailing.

Now, my ship has finally docked and i can throw down the anchor at island ( ok, cliche, but...) "Paradise".

The docking at the "jetty" ( Walking down the Aisle ) was an amazing one.

When I look at the people that matter the most to me, and when I look at the huge megagodzilla cross in front of me... it brought me to tears ( PHEW if you didn't see the bride's watering eyes on that day ). I could only bare to look at those 2 things for a few seconds each time, else my tears would have really DESTROYED my makeup. HAHA.



I guess the best part of the wedding was that overwhelming intense feeling of utter thankfulness and joy in the heart that THIS IS THE DAY INDEED.

Like when you've been sailing for a long time and you finally see land.
Or like you've been walking in the desert and you finally see water.
I wonder if that's how Noah felt.

THANK YOU ALL for helping make the wedding happen!

Back to "Paradise"...



Hey, who said paradise is all blissful. Take a look at the beautiful paradise of Pandora in Avatar. Beauty comes with a price. Dangerous creatures lurk in the shadows, danger awaits in those places you least expect, in places where beauty is at its best.

YES, paradise comes hand in hand with danger.

What one needs to do it learn how to live amidst beauty and danger.

If danger throws itself at you...learn to conquer and overcome it together;
( Think fighting the creatures of Pandora...whatever their names are )



If you throw yourself at danger...learn to pick yourself up and master over it, encouraging each other along the way;
( Think learning to ride the Medusa Aerocoelenterates flying dragon thingy in Avatar with the lady Avatar)



And if you need to save the world that the both of you have created together, take that risk and do what you have to do!
( Think conquering the Great Leonopteryx the biggest most powerful flying dragon thingy in Avatar)



Then, you can truly look at the horizon and soak in all its beauty.

Indeed, challenging but worth it!


It is just the beginning, but each day has been full of thankfulness.

Actually, to tell you the truth, it still feels like we are dating, except we come home to each other each day and take care of each other. :)


> shadows of vineyard & us in Margaret River, Western Australia

Voyage of the bridey: Round and White

THE drama.

I wanted to buy...of course la not THE expensive expensive one la. Affordable one. But of course get it at least a month or 2 before the wedding. Last minute shopping a no no. That's like planning your own suicide.

But noooooo, with constant weeks and weeks of nagging to "not buy" I relented.

I had to make do with my mother's old ones, in which she said I could use.

But of course with my psycho-ing and consoling myself that Okla, it's not that bad. I was prepared to made do with whatever I have.

Besides, it was kind of getting too late to search for another one.

So, throw all the secret hopes out of the window- and come back to the reality in front of my eyes.

So, it's settled. I'll use what I have.
Next, I had to think really hard how to get these fixed up/ modified slightly.
I was prepared to do it myself if I have to ( which in the circumstances it certain looked like I had to D-I-Y again.).

Literally, I thought about it through the nights, and in my sleep...how to fix/ modify it.
And pop! I woke up thinking that I could actually pull it off with the idea I had in mind.

So, please imagine for a moment that you are in my shoes- all excited and busting with enthusiasm to try the idea after nights of considering all other possibilities.
I better do it soon, like ASAP, cause it's really only a 3 weeks to the day.

THEN!

One morning, she decided to change her mind. " Don't use mine la. Go buy your own."

It really did feel like a somebody just smashed your newly made one and only masterpiece to the ground.

I was so shocked at the sudden change, I cried. All hope smashed in a matter of seconds. Remember I already threw all the secret hopes out of the window.

"What am I going to do now?"

You tell me 2 weeks before the wedding? Very good, very good. Give me heart attack laaaa...When I want to buy I get scolded. Not buy and be guai...also kena balik. Now want me to buy. Good... Man, confusing me, confusing meeee.

My lovely bridesmaids called me to say it's ok ( THANK YOU DIV AND GRACE). Oh man, I don't cry over these things...so embarrassing but I couldn't do anything for the next 10 mins but cry HAHA.

After the shock I was ok la. After so many incidents of God's faithfulness on my Voyage of the bridey, I guess I wasn't quite as worried as I use to be. Now, I could actually tell myself ( after the 10 mins of wetting the pillow la) that He will provide cause He always has, it is just the matter of "when" and "how".

Better what, now I can get my own. Hehe. Now, where do I find a "round and white" choker with a few layers that doesn't cost a bomb in this hour of the wedding?

I guess she felt quite bad cause the same day she came back telling me that she asked a few shops and they could actually make it, customize it.

Lo and behold, a friend from Sandakan called that night ( or the night after). The last time we went to visit her, we bought "round and white" bracelets at a "shopper's paradise price"...a.k.a really cheap la. Half the price or even better if compared here.

Yea so she called and we asked her just in case...if she could check it out for us.
She did...and they could actually make it!
Last I heard, making it there is half the price of making it here.
But now she wants to give it to me as a gift so she refused to tell me how much la...evilllllll!!!!!!

Good timing, ONCE AGAIN, God's timing. She did call me in the nick of time. And I will be getting it in the nick of time as well ( like 1 day before the wedding) HAHA.

Cheh wah, a gift alllll the way from "OVER-the-SEA" k. HAHA.

THANK YOU GEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE...

I told her..."man, you really are a saviour la."

Sometimes I wonder why He always does it this way. Break you till you are about to give up, then reward you with something so much more. But thinking about it, it is wonderful cause if He doesn't "break" you, you won't be able to see and appreciate the beauty and things that He faithfully provides. You would be so caught up with getting what you want and what you think you want, and you would be so stubborn in getting and doing what you want, and you would be really, an ungrateful piggy.

Indeed over and over again, He is faithful. Even in our unfaithfulness.



Morning by morning I wake up to find
the power and comfort of God's hand in mine.
Season by season I watch him amazed, in
awe of the mystery of his perfect ways
All I have need of his hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me

I can't remember a trial or a pain he did
not recycle to bring me gain. I can't
remember one single regret in serving
God only and trusting His hand
All I have need of his hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me

This is my anthem, this is my song, the
theme of the stories I've heard for so long.
God has been faithful, he will be again.
His loving compassion, it knows no end.
All I have need of his hand will provide.
He's always been faithful to me

Voyage of the bridey: Life's like that, live with it.

So it dawned upon me while I was half asleep on my bed.
Nonetheless, it was a revelation.

I, honestly, was going to a rough patch in my emotional state.
And it doesn't help when girls have like 4 demanding hormones wanting to be queen.
Not fair that guys only have one to (NOT) worry about.

Ok, so I've been complainey for the past few days.
My expectations played an important villain in this episode.

I must say, I felt very disappointed.
and my body went into I'm-so-poor-thing mode.
But is seemed like the more I I'm-so-poor-thing, and the more I push my expectations, the feeling gets worse la.
The words I get thrown back at me is "Endure la", "Cope with it", or even worse- no response at all. HEH.

But alas! I realize that it is all but futile to expect, demand and cry over spilled milk!
It is inversely proportionate to feeling contended and fulfilling one's needs!
But it is so funny how girls always tend to do that to get attention- complain like it's everyone Else's fault but your own.



But complaining will only push people away more and more...and you'll end up feeling worse than before. Even if someone does "kesian" you...it only encourages you to complain more and more and it might get out of control cause you feel so happy that someone agrees with you.

But actually, the core issue is still not solved.
People will think you are an grumpy old lady with nothing better to do but complain all the time.
But far from it, it is the emotional reaction of what's hurting deep within the soul!



Instead,
I quote my darling "Life's like that, live with it!".
If one has expectations of how it should be like, how your life should be like, or how people should be like, then one is in for a big big disappointment.

Life is not ideal. At least not in OUR ideal.
Put down those expectations, put away those ideals and
Take life as it is! In all its imperfectness and un-ideal-ness.

It is a struggle and it does not happen overnight. But it is important indeed to come to the realization, to move pass the emo-ness that we feel, that the problem lies not with the others around us, but from ourselves.

If I stop at the emo-ness and never move on, I think I will be become a very depressed person, wallowing in what I SHOULD have and I think I OUGHT to have.

Only after coming to that realization, only then was I able to lay it all down before Him completely and to know that the world and all that is in it will fail us, but He will not.

And in that letting go, (and letting God) it is only than one can find contentment and fulfillment and peace.
The more you try to meet your needs, the less they will be met;
but the less you try to meet your needs ( a.k.a let go), the more they will be met!

Our expectations are man-made.
But He exceeds out expectations beyond what we can see and gives us so much more.
If only we were to see it from His perspective.

Oh of course one expects to be soothed and who doesn't want to be pampered and spoiled and to get what one wants.
And the people at the other end has to endure endless complains and still smile and try to be sane.
Of course there are times for encouragements;
But there also times when one does need a positive knock in the head.
Families, loved ones, the people around may not be ideal, may not be what we expect them to be, everyone has their own struggles.
But ever more, it allows us to face adversity, challenges and trials with so much more bravery, patience, and reliance on God.

Like in the movie,Evan Almighty, WATCH THIS:



When one prays for patience, does God give you patience or the opportunity to be patient?
If one prays for courage, does God give one courage or the opportunity to be courageous?
If some one prayed for the family to be closer, you think god zaps them with warm fuzzy feelings? Or does he give them opportunities to love each other?

God provides what you need, not what you to think you WANT to sooth your hurting soul.
And in times like these, one discovers the grace and goodness of God over and over again, just when we are about to give up.

:) btw, I'm not talking about my darling.